Continuation of "Where it's White and Cold"

There are girls in our orphanage who are “girly-girls” with lots of a make-up and stylish clothes. There are girls we call “mad girls”, the ones who get mad at the adults, teachers, kids, and with this negative attitude they complain. The third kind of girls are the “bad girls” and they are the ones who smoke, cut themselves, hang out with bad boys, and break the rules (Masha is one of those). The last ones are the “tomboys”, they mostly hang out with guys, they usually have a sibling to take care of in the orphanage, and they do well in school but they still get in a lot of trouble because they don’t believe in things that they are being taught. Those are the names we categorize girls in the orphanage. People call me “tomboy” and I’m fine with it. Most “girly-girls” are jealous of the “bad girls”, because the “bad girls” are the ones who have more fun hanging out with guys and are the best at stealing so they have more things.  

            The “girly-girls” are the ones that are talking to Sasha right now. Lena kneels down, picks up a handful of fluffy snow, makes a “snowball” (which looked nothing like a snowball, because the snow was too fluffy and Lena only picked up a small amount with her small hand), and throws it at Sasha. I bet Sasha could see who threw it from his peripheral vision, he probably could tell who threw it by the way the “snowball” was thrown, because he turns around, puts his hand on the shoulder that got hit, and in this dramatic way falls to the ground. I roll my eyes, while Lena runs up to him.

            “You killed him, Len.” I tell her.

            She grabs snow and rubs it on Sasha’s face, “That should wake him up.”

            Sasha doesn’t budge and the “girly-girls” come closer. I look around. There were kids walking our way, some go around us, but some stop and watch. Most of the kids are already way ahead. It makes me nervous because I want to meet up with Masha and Jenia.

            I hear “girly-girls” giggling and it brings my attention back to Lena. She is untying Sasha’s scarf. Somebody yells “it’s not like the scarf is killing him!” and I turn around to give that somebody a mean face that says Don’t-Mess-With-My-Sister-She’s-Only-Seven.

            “Len, let’s go, he’ll wake up once we leave, okay?” I say, knowing she’s not going to listen to me.

            “No”, she answers. Who called it! She pats Sasha’s face with the scarf.

            “I’m serious, we need to…” I started, but Lena goes, “Make him alive!” Geez, demanding much. What am I, a god or something?

            “No, do you want to see…” I began.

            “Maybe somebody should give him a kiss.” Ira pointed out.  Leave it up to a “girly-girl” to a) interrupt me so rudely (what is this, Interrupt-Tania-Day?), and b) bring up something from fairy tales.

            I look from her to Sasha. He still hasn’t moved an inch. I’m beginning to wonder if Lena’s lame snowball really did knock him out. Ira steps closer to him and I block her way and say,

            “I know what will make him realize that he is wasting our time”. Then I swish saliva in my mouth so he could hear that I’m about to spit on him and then I spit. My spit landed near him, but like I planned, didn’t touch him.

I shrug my shoulders and say “it’s the thought that counts”

 Everybody laughs but Sasha doesn’t move.  Lena claps her mittens. Ira pushes me aside, sits on her knees and announces,

            “I’m going to kiss him”. All the girly-girls giggle again and cheer for her.

            Alright, I think I want to see this. I know he won’t let her kiss him. Ira is the worst girly-girl of all the girly-girls and he will not be happy when his friends found out that Ira kissed him (or that he got knocked out from Lena’s snowball, for that matter).

            Sasha’s eyebrows come together for a brief second. I see it and smile. He is not really knocked out, he’s just enjoying the attention.  Lena doesn’t see it and still thinks that the kiss will wake him up. She jumps with her hangs clasped together.  Ira’s pink hat falls on her forehead as she get’s closer to Sasha’s face. Her eyes closed and her long, blond eye-lashes fall on her cheeks as she gets two more inches closer. The kids around hold their breath and smile silently. I’m surprised that they are still standing here; I’m getting cold from standing for so long. I guess this will be juicy gossip for them to spread later. Ira opens her eyes a little and places her hand on Sasha’s cheek. Sasha twitches. I smile bigger. What is he going to do? I’m surprised he is holding out this long.

            When Ira’s lips almost touch Sasha’s, all of the sudden he opens his eyes and yells,

            “Boo!”

            Ira screams and jumps up and runs. All the girly girls follow her, screaming. Kids are laughing around me, including Sasha who stood up. Lena hugs him,

            “He’s alive, he’s alive!” she squeals with happiness. He starts tickling her and she runs back to me.

            “I knew you were going to do something like that. I’m surprised you didn’t smile.” I say to Sasha, laughing. He can’t stop laughing, so I continue “You were just laying there and I really thought that you maybe died, but then your huge eye brows moved.”

            “Yeah right! You wanted to kiss me, didn’t you?” Sasha finally says.

            “Oh. Totally. You had your eyes closed so you didn’t see me when I pushed Ira out of my way., I say and start laughing again. Lena laughs too, even though she probably doesn’t understand what the heck we’re talking about.  We stood there laughing, as the other kids started walking away. Then, Sasha picks Lena up and throws her on his back. He pulls my hat down to my eyes again and says,

            “And my eye-brows aren’t huge”

            I push my hat away from my eyes, still sort of laughing, and follow Sasha’s foot steps. Most kids were already in the forest. After laughing, it doesn’t bother me anymore that I might not find Masha and Jenia. So, I just follow Sasha with Lena on his back, into the forest.      

           

Continuation of "Where it's White and Cold"

            The trees have snow on the branches, the ground is icy, and our old playground is frozen. We all walk to the forest, passing the playground and other groups from the orphanage making a tall slide out of snow. I remember the time when I kissed the playground during a winter and my lips got stuck to it. I didn’t have mittens on, because I was just outside to get the clean clothes that were outside drying. My hands were already dry and they got red fast as I tried to pull my lips back. I remembered how I heard from ladies that when we are cold to use our warm breath, and so I tried to stick my tongue out thinking if I lick the playground it will melt.  My tongue ended up getting caught instead. I remember feeling scared. What if I stay here for a long time and nobody finds me? It was night-time, so what if they leave me here for the night?

            I stood with my tongue out like that for about an hour. At least it seemed like an hour. But things do go slower when you are waiting for something. I thought Tatiana (the cleaning lady) might come, but I guess she was too busy cleaning. The weather was cold and windy. I cried. I think they needed clothing for the babies because I finally heard a door open. I have never been so happy for that sound. I heard footsteps behind me and tried to turn my head, but it didn’t quite work well.

            “Who are you sticking your tongue at?” a boy’s voice said behind me. Great, they sent a guy for the clothes. How is he going to help me? I thought. I couldn’t really talk without sounding like something he might laugh at, so I just started crying. The boy stood there for some time. I pulled on the lip again, but it started bleeding. Only then, the boy ran back towards the door yelling,

            “Need a hot cloth!”

            Tatiana was with him when he came back. She brought a hot, wet cloth and that melted off the ice on the metal. She kept saying things like "Oh my, thank goodness we got to you, you will be okay soon", as she gently patted around my mouth.  I remember feeling free after she was done. The boy gave me his mittens and his jacket and we all walked back inside. I never forgot the boy. He got transfered to my group when I turned nine and I found out his name was Yura. He was the best friend. The one who stole apples with me and climbed apples trees. The one who had the best idea for making houses in bushes during summer. He would find the best kind of cardboard near the stores and we’d find a full bush and make a house there. He would also stand up for Lena. Now he can’t. He was sent to a hospital and never came back. Some say he died from an illness, some kids say he got kidnapped when he tried to run away from the hospital, some say his birth parents took him back home. I’ll never forget his last words to me. It was the day he got sent off. We climbed a really high tree and found branches to sit on. He got this far away look and said,

            “There’s a real life up there". Everyone said this at the orphanage, because we knew there was life other than the orphanage.

            So personally, I think he ran away from the hospital, his birth parents found him on the streets, and he died from the disease because his parents couldn’t pay for the medicine. Well, that's what I think anyway.  

           It’s been a year since then. I don’t have as good of a friend as he was, but my guy friends stand up for Lena.

            I put my hand on Lena’s shoulder and press harder to keep her from slipping. You’d think with the big coat Lena’s shoulder would feel big, but her shoulder felt really small. She’s tiny, how can I not be protective over her? She is seven and she weighs, like, 40 pounds. Of course, we’ve been in the orphanage for two years now, so she was even smaller when we first came. But, she eats so much. I don’t get it. Maybe it’s the whole, I-throw-up-after-eating-ten-plates-of-food thing. I don’t know.

            Twenty other kids ran/jumped/skipped/danced/whatever-that-one-person-was-doing (a dog walk?) around us. Some throwing snowballs at each other, some sledding on their rears or feet, some eating snow, and some just looking around and laughing at everybody. That would be me (except, I don’t laugh just smile).

            “Think fast!” I heard a deep, full of laughter voice. And the next thing I see is a snowball flying my way. Super. Just great. I don’t do anything; just move Lena to my side because the snowball was coming down in front of me, where she was walking. The snowball hits me on my thigh. Sasha runs up to Lena and me. He tickles Lena through her coat. She giggles even though it’s obvious that the coat is too thick for Sasha to get her ribs. Then, he pulls my brown hat down to my eyes playfully, and says, “You’re not a fast thinker” and runs off. I stick my tongue at his back. Luckily, this time, it didn't stick to anything.  

            There are kids in the orphanage that remind me just how hard life can be. But there are those like Sasha who remind me that there’s such a thing as hope. Sasha is a handsome, fourteen-year-old, with sky-blue eyes that spark with a smile, tan skin even during the winter, dimples even when not smiling, and already he had a nice muscles build (which all the girls can’t seem to stop talking about). On top of all that, he helps out with kids, and “loves, loves, loves” (as he puts it) little babies. We became friends after this one time when he washed baby pants for me. We had jobs and one of them was to wash the baby's tights, since there were no diapers for them.  The tights were their diaper. Joy. It was my job and I didn’t want to do it. I guess he did. I decided it would be a good idea to become his friend right then and there. Except later, I didn’t need him as a friend just to wash baby pants for me. I needed him to remind me that life is good. He’s good at reminding me about that. One of the examples was just a second ago.

            I free my hand from Lena’s (who grabbed it after Sasha left) to pull my hat back from my eyes. Lena was looking towards where Sasha ran.

            “I want to be as fast as him” she says and points.

            “You will, don’t worry” I respond and add, “Do you want to catch him? You can throw a snowball at him, I give you permission. In fact, I’ll hold him still for you. And you can…”

            “Yes, yes yes!” Lena grabs my hand again and pushes through the crowd of kids.

            I ran with her, trying hard not to slip. We pass the corner of the fence and I see him. He was teasing three girls, who were blushing at his teasings.

           

Continuation of “Where it’s White and Cold”

Everybody is still near Vladimera, gathering around her, some still rinsing dishes. I sneak in the room full of lockers, where we keep our clothes and get dressed. The room is as big as our sleep room. The lockers are assigned to two partners and those partners’ mittens, winter boots, furry coats, scarves, and soft, made-of-rabbit hats (my favorite) are in the shelves of the lockers. The reason we were assigned partners is to help us get dressed, with so many things to put on, it just goes faster to have somebody’s help. I got assigned Lena. I’m glad, not only because I don’t like the thought of somebody else helping her, but also because some people got assigned weird people. Since we have more boys in our group, some girls have to have guys help them. Masha has Sashka. Jania isn’t happy about that.

            The lockers are different sizes and different colors. I’ve always liked that for some reason, it makes it more fun I guess. Lena’s and my locker is faded yellow and the smallest locker out of the room. The locker is big enough though to fit our huge coats. There are two hocks, one is for Lena’s coat and the other one is for my coat. Our boots are on the bottom shelf and our scarves, mittens, hats were on the top, bigger shelf. I sneak to the locker room first, because the room gets crowded and noisy, so I take Lena and me to the bathroom to get dressed.

            I open the locker, put Lena’s and my mittens and scarves in the pockets of our coats, put our hats inside the coats’ hoods, grab boots and with all of that walk to the bathroom just as the other kids start to come in.

After putting clothes in the bathroom, I go back to the kitchen to find Lena still eating. Vladimera tried to get Lena to stop eating once, but got bitten and thrown up on. Now, Tatiana, the cleaning lady of our group waits for me to talk to Lena. Vladimera tries to stay away from Lena as much as possible.

            “What plate is that, fourth?” I ask Lena, sitting down next to her.

            “Yes”, she answers with a full mouth.

            “The clothes are in the bathroom” I tell her with hope that she would understand that I wanted her to come.

            “And they are waiting for us”, I add after a moment of her chewing silently, ignoring me.

            “Yes” is what I get for a reply.  

            I could tell that she’s not going to stand up just yet. So, I start telling her that there is more snow outside and that we are going on big, gigantic hills, that I’ll help her make a snow woman (she doesn’t like making “boy out of snow”, as she always says), and that I promise stay still when she throws a snowball at me. Lena begins to smile.

            “Can I burry you under the snow?” she asks.

            I knew it will get her out of the table so I nod.  Lena promptly scoots her chair away from the table and let’s me pick her up. I carry her to the bathroom and put her down on the wooden floor. Then, I turn around and close the white with pink flowers curtains. When I’m done I turn back to Lena who already has her coat on. I helped her button the coat up to her chin.

            “Now, be careful” I say, “its cold and we haven’t had our shots yet. So, if you get hot, do not talk your coat off. Understand?”

            “Yes”, she responds, as I put her white hat on her small head and tuck her hair inside it.

            “Also, it’s very slippery. So, promise to not slip on the stairs, okay?” I tell her and she lifts her foot up as I place her boot on it.

            “Yes…but can I slide on the road?”

            “No. Do you remember how last year you fell on your back and hit your head? Remember, how it hurt for a long time and you couldn’t sleep?”

            Lena frowns. She should be frowning at the memory, but I know she’s frowning at the “no”.

            “Promise you wont slide.” I order her and look at her straight in the eyes, even though I should be looking at my hands making sure I’m tying her scarf comfortably enough.

            “I guess so.” She answers in a small voice, her bottom lip pouting a little. but, I’m happy again, because a) at least she said something other than a “yes”, and b) she looks cute with her lip like that.

            “Okay” I kiss her nose “Wait, I’ll be fast”.

            And with that, I start putting my clothes on. When I was almost done with my scarf, we hear a knock on the door. Lena runs up and opens it, because if she didn’t they would, it’s not like the door has a lock. It would make situation worse if Lena didn’t open the door. I promised to remind myself to thank her later.

            “Are you girls ready, she’s waiting”, Tatiana’s calm voice says.

            “You’re making us late!” we hear Vladimera’s voice.  

            I finish my scarf, grab Lena’s hand, and walk out the door, mouthing “thank you” to Tatiana. I’ve always liked her. She let’s us call her by her first name even though she’s older than Vladimera and she let’s us get away with things like breaking the rules.

            When we get outside, it’s freezing. It was beautiful with the snow glistening in the sun and the way the snow made the roads look softer, but the cold air was still there. I feel it on my face as soon as we get outside and I’m glad for the scarves that cover up Lena’s and mine necks.      

           

Continuation of “Where it’s White and Cold”

            I guess I fell asleep again, because the next thing I hear is “Waking time!” of a thunderous, stern voice. Wow, I fell asleep in the middle of thinking of Lena’s nightmares. That’s first. I yawned sleepily, ignoring another “Waking time!” This day has to be a good one, I told myself. A good day starts with a smile. I heard that from the cafeteria ladies once when our group was assign to do dishes. So, I smile and sit up. I feel my short brown hair with my hands and as always on one side of my head the hair are sticking up. Unlike Lena, I sleep on either left or right side. This time it was the right and so the right side of my head is flat. But it’s not like a care what I look like. Actually, I never do anymore. My group is mostly made up of guys and they pay attention more to girl who can steal and ran fast. Our orphanage has mostly girls but somehow our group ended up with mostly guy. Cool guys, who are my friends.

            At breakfast, in the kitchen, I find Lena already finishing up her casha, with noisy little kids all around her. She’s small but eats so much. Some days though when she feels sick, you can’t get her to even drink. She goes off and on. It bothers me.  I wish she just ate normal everyday. But, she doesn’t and I can’t really do anything about that. Thankfully, she’s at the stage when she eats a lot more than needed for her size. It makes me happy to know that her stomach is filling up when I see her put spoon by spoon in her mouth.

            She looks up at me with her green eyes looking tired. I smile, because on the corner’s of her mouth there’s milk stains.  She smiles back and goes back to eating. I feel like walking up and hugging her, but my stomach rumbles and I head to my sit. I can hug her after breakfast. Masha, Jenia, Looda, Sashka, and Seroyja, were already sitting at the table busy with eating. We never talk during breakfasts because everybody is tired and hungry. So, we just nod.  Jenia and Seroyja wave to me. I sit down and eat my breakfast fast because I remember that after this we are going sledding and I need energy. I don’t even taste it. Today we have pshannia casha which is my favorite one but I’m behind everybody already so I need to eat quickly.

            Soon Masha is done with her bowl and gets up to take it to the washing room. Jenia follows her, even though he’s not done with his food. After dropping off their bowls they both go to the living room with other kids that are done eating and sit down on the couch. Masha starts talking. Something about Olga and how to not trust her. I listen with my mouth full, but soon Masha has to shut up because Vladimera starts talking to us. She’s one of the “take-care” ladies during the day. She has a figure of a model with tall and skinny legs. Her face is like one of those I see in one of the magazines Kolia brings in to us from his work. She has long face with full lips and high check bones. She wears her black hair on a short pony-tail. Every girl hates her in our orphanage. She’s a magnet even though she’s in her twenties and the guys here aren’t even eighteen yet. She got assigned our group…which has the most guys. I bet they think she can get them to do anything she wants, like to wash clothes and hang them outside. She has a boyfriend which doesn’t surprise anybody. He drops her off at the orphanage every morning and leaves his smell of some expensive cologne. Of course, all the girls like him.

            “We’re going in the forest this morning to sled”, she says now. As if we didn’t know that already. Why do they have to say it every morning? If they had new information, say that we are going to the circus and it’s free to walk around anywhere we want, then they can tell us. But, seriously, you don’t have to repeat same words every morning. I looked at Masha who was making a face at me and smiles. Lena was still eating…third bowl.

             

Where it's White and Cold

I miss our Russian forest, covered with fluffy, white snow and frozen, tall trees. The aloofness I would get when I'd breath in the cold air. The way my footsteps settle on the colorless snow after each step. After those steps, my shoes would make nose and I would make music in my head with every step, like it's a beat. The way I always knew that my nose was red because it felt felt frosen. The little tingles would cover up my skin after being outside for too long. The feel of a hard snowball on my shoulder thrown by some laughing kid behind me. The energy of a bright and sunny but ever so frosty day. The snowflakes that I would catch with my eyelashes. I miss all of that so much. If it starts snowing outside right now, I would go run across our front lawn and get wet!
I have a memory I would like to share. I was eleven then. It was on a January, the coldest month in Russia. Very cold, but sunny with clear sky. We were all dressed warm, because the temperature dropped at night even lower than the day before. Waking up, I looked out the window from the top bunk bed and instead of seeing what's outside, I saw frost. 

It made pretty picture on the window. One of my favorite mornings to wake up to. To see different picture every morning. This morning, I made hills, trees, birds, mountains, and clouds.

            I looked down from my bunk bed to see if Lena was still sleeping. Her face looked like newborn child. Her short curls seem to be sleeping too, lying peacefully on a white pillow, circling her neck. Her eyelashes didn’t make a twitch.  Her full lips were slightly open and I could almost hear her deep breathing. Her hands were above her head, palms up.  I watched her small body lay motionless on her back, like a little, white kitten resting in the sun. Except it was winter and cold, and even though Lena was called kitten, she acted a lot more tough and brave than a kitten.

            I put my head back on my pillow, closing my eyes. I’m wide awake though, thinking. Soon they’ll come to wake us up for breakfast, then we’ll have to do dishes, next comes the outside activity, then lunch which leads to a three hour nap, desert, outside, movie, and sleep. This is how all of our days were when we had two week break from school. It was all about a routine and order and control. And anyways, it’s not like I had a break from school since it was right across the field. The bad memories from school came to me every time I saw the school, which is every time we went out.  And, even though I wasn’t doing any school work, the memories gave me the same headache.

            Blah. I stretch and the old bed squeaks. I’m usually really careful not to wake Lena up, because she needs to get a lot of sleep being only seven-years-old. But, right now I’m feeling lazy and I want to hurry up and go eat so I can get some energy in me. And for us to go and eat breakfast, people need to start waking up so adults can hear us from the kitchen and realize that we are getting restless.  I know it’s a little selfish, but it also is not, because I know that Lena must be having a bad dream. She always does. I hear her each night, moving from side to side, until her body is too worn out to move anymore and stops moving. But dreams don’t stop. Because then she makes terrible noises that make me cover up my ears. Other kids don’t pay attention to this. They are all used to sleeping with at least seven kids in the room. Pretty soon you get used to all of the snoring, coughing, sneezing, talking, you name it. But, Lena is my sister, I care for her so much that whenever she’s in pain, it kind of hurts me too. I protect her from bullies; I try to make her feel better when she has a bad day. I love her. And so, this means staying up worrying about her dreams is natural.    

What's coming...

Hi! Thank you for those who have been reading this. And if you're reading this now, extra thank you. This is so exciting that everytime I think about it, it makes all of my insides dance around. I can tell that I'm going to become very addicted to this very soon. Good thing I haven't told my parents.
Anyways. What I wanted this post to be is actually not my excitement about blogging, but my excitement on what's coming next. So just a heads up, I'm going to start writing a memory I wrote to my sister, Rachel, in our diaries that we shared last year. I'm not going to post it all in a one day; it's going to be little by little each day. Another heads up, all of my memories are not going to be in order. If you are the kind of person who randomly remembers things a lot, then you know that memories don't come in order. You might be at a party and it smells like cartain perfume in the room, all of the sudden you remember a memory in which you have the same smell. My memories are triggered by a smell...mostly. I'll start writing the memory tomorrow! Promise.

Say Hello

I was born into a decent family. My birth father and mother had jobs and could take care of a family. I don’t remember spending time with birth mom in my early age, but I do remember my birth dad. I was with my mom alone up until I was five year old, because dad was in jail for some mafia crime. When he came back, I didn’t know who he was and was scared of him…until he gave me a chocolate bar. We were best friends from then on.  He taught me how to fight off boys in first grade, I learned from him that sucking on chocolate rather than chewing it let’s you enjoy it more and it lasts longer, he would always tell me I was beautiful and should make beautiful habits like picking my nose with my pinky finger not my pointy finger because my nose nostrils might stretch out, dad was the one who I learned how to give good massages. To make this short, I grew up learning from my dad. He was a big man, not tall but muscular. He used to tell me his experiences in being in a mafia and the story of how he got in jail while walking with me on his shoulders. He loved me more than my sister, I could sense that when I was young. While he was in jail, mom got together with another man and Lena was born. Even though she was gone a lot and was only my half sister, I loved her. I used to play toys with her and hide and go seek. I learned to be a guardian for her. I didn’t like it when dad would leave Lena behind whenever we went somewhere. That’s how the first year with Lena was with him being back.  He grew to love her though; he would pick her up and twirl her in the air like he did me. So, we were a happy family…until the year I turned seven.

            It all started with my dad drinking at his work. Mom was mad at him. I guess she knew he’d become addicted and it would ruin our family. He didn’t stop drinking; instead things began to go down hill. His mafia friends would come over. Sometimes it was a good happy drinking time, but sometimes it was a bad, lets-beat-him kind of visit. Mom and him started fighting. I used to take Lena outside to get her away from them. Sometimes dad wouldn’t let me, because he wanted me to learn how to fight, he said. I understood he was drunk and that he’ll be happy in the morning, so I stood and watched. I’d always close Lena’s ears and eyes though. It didn’t take mom long to lose all control and patience and start drinking also. She had friends over too. Guy friends. I’ve never seen a girlfriend at our house, except for my aunt and that was before dad came from jail.

            Lena and I often ran away from home to live with our grandma. She was always happy to see us, would feed us and read us books while we played dolls she made. Sometimes, though grandpa would be there and he hated Lena and me. He’d tell us that we have diseases and lice and that he doesn’t want that at his house. Those days, Lena and I were forced to go from house to house and beg food. Lena was really a cute baby, so people would give her extra warm clothes. Lena and I were never separated.  We knew we needed each other. We saw our parents’ maybe twice a week, but we were basically street kids. We slept in a burn down houses, in house where nobody lived, in old garages, you name it. We walked miles everyday, never showered, and hardly ate anything except for candy. No wonder they sent us to the orphanage. The last time I saw mom was when she was looking out our house window and the last time I saw dad was when he was in a hospital with two broken legs from jumping off of a three-floor building.

            I was nine and Lena was five when we finally got sent to an orphanage in a completely another town. For the first two or three months, the adults there put us in a room together and did everything to make us healthy again. I know Lena and I was super skinny and had sores in our bodies, but I didn’t know why we had fever and were puking every hour. We didn’t see anybody for a month except for people in white coats with medicine. Lena and I barley spoke. We slept most of the time, but I would wake up very time Lena had nightmares. They shaved our heads, so no more lice, they showered us with smelly soap and hot water, they put medicine on us everyday day, and they fed us until we were full. Only when our sores were gone, we stopped having fever, we stopped throwing up the food we ate, and when were talking…only then did they let us out of that room. I grew so tired of that room; it was on the top of my list of the-rooms-I’m-staying-away-from-here.

            At first, you couldn’t separate Lena and me. We were so attached, people called us glue sticks.  I’d hold her hand for meals, I’d stand up for her and won’t let anybody to talk to her, and we’d even sneak out at night to sleep together. However, there was a lot of kids our age there and soon we found friends.  I became friends with a boy who at first thought I was a boy and Lena became friends with a girl that looked like her. Even though I had fun playing games and climbing trees with my new friend, I was mad that that Lena had a friend. Other kids called Lena and her friend twins. I would spy on them sometimes playing on the play ground. Lena would talk about me, referring to me as her mom. Every time they played “house”, Lena would pretend that she was a kids and when her friend would say “okay, I’ll be your mom”, Lena would say “No, Tania is my mom”.

So, I knowing that Lena still remembered me I let her be with her friend. We still sneaked out to sleep together though.

            Life in the orphanage was full of adventure. We didn’t have families, and even though we had adults to tell us what to do, we would rebel. Rebelling became my habit. I started smocking and hanging out with people who stole all the time. We were the cool gang of whom most kids were afraid of and on whom the adult gave up on. If there was running away from the orphanage, one of us was involved. If there was a fight, one of us was involved. If there was a fire, one of us was involved. We were firecracker and never got bored. We’d go to clubs and stay up until midnight, never afraid of getting in trouble because we were used to it.

            While I was in this gang, there were three things constantly running through my mind. Lena, school, and God. I never forgot Lena, I’d tell her where we were going, what were doing and when I’d come back for her. I had good grades at school, I knew it was important for Lena’s and my future life. I had this dream of getting to college and sneaking Lena with me. For some reason, I knew I had to have good grades. The adults always used this again me. “You are a smart girl, and you have good grades. Why do you hang with that gang? It’s going to ruin your grades, you know”, they’d say. Mother Anya used to drag me by the ears whenever she cut me smoking. That’s another thing…God. We were Catholics. Every Sunday, Mother Anya, came to our orphanage woke up those who wanted to go to church. Lena and I were on the top of her list. To be honest I went because Lena went and because they always had candy. At the same time though, I had some sincere prayers. I remember one prayer that I’ll never ever forget.

            It was the time when an old couple wanted to adapt Lena and me. Lena adored them. They came to visit us in the orphanage and took us to America for awhile to spend time with them. They had no kids except for an eighteen year old. Their house was too big for them to live in. The only two things that kept me acting nice and not rebelling was to see Lena so happy and the fact that they had a dog. Everything else I couldn’t stand. I tried telling Lena, when the boss of the orphanage said that they were getting documents ready, that those two parents were our grandma’s age and that they will die soon anyways. Lena wouldn’t listen to me and kept on telling everyone how great they are.

I slept on a top part of the bunk bed. One morning, I was especially upset with the whole adoption thing and I decided to pray to Mother Mary. I sat down on my bed on my knees, closed my eyes, and started begging Mary to please delete the adoption documents. The sun was shining from the window that I was facing and I was warm. I prayed for a long time and for some reason my prayer turned into asking Jesus Christ to delete the documents not Mother Mary. I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night. The next day, I wanted to run away from the orphanage.

            It was random and completely unexpected. When I told my friend, Tania from the gang, that I’m running away she wanted to go with me. We took Lena, packed bread, and walked out. We walked for a whole day through the forest, lakes, and grass. We hid from the houses as much as possible. I stole a bike and let Lena ride on it because she was tired of walking. We were really far away when we ran out of food, so we ate plants that we stole from people’s gardens. Tania and Lena were getting tired. They regretted that they ever went with me and complained a lot. In the middle of the night, Tania wanted a warm milk and begged me to stop at a house near by. The lady in the house, to which we came in to ask for milk, let us in and began to question where we were from. Lena started crying and the lady called the orphanage. We got picked up and got in trouble, which wasn’t a surprise for us. Nothing good came from running away, we lost trust, the adults thought I had bad influence on Lena, Tania and I were separate, and they gave an assembly on not running away which made the kids mad at Tania, Lena and me. Well, everything bad, except for one thing.

            It was actually a very important thing. The day I ran away was the last day that we had a chance to sign the documents and obviously we weren’t there, so the orphanage couldn’t sent Lena and me to our old adoption parents. That was good not only because I didn’t like them, but also because it gave a chance for another parents to adopt us. The parents that live with right now. The parents whom I wouldn’t change for anything.  Not even for a chance to visit my birth parents.

            Lena and I were in the orphanage for four year and a half. I was almost thirteen years old when we moved to our new home in the United States. It was a whole different world for me. I’ve been to America before that time, but living with a family was a whole new world, going to school with good kids was a whole new world, and letting go of the motherhood of Lena was a whole new world. School wasn’t a big challenge for me because there were teachers that helped me. I got out of ESL (English Second Language) class in three years with their help. Getting used to being in a family and letting go of protecting Lena was psychologically challenging. Having parents who loved Lena and me, therefore told us what to do and what’s best for us was hard because I was used to being on my own and breaking the rules. Having a mother who took care of Lena was hard, because I wanted to take care of her still. I was so used to being her mother that it made me jealous when Lena would hug mom. I ran away lots of times from home because of family misunderstanding which I would have understood if I was raised on a family. I’m still trying to figure out how families work. I’m grateful that God provided a way for me to be in America with a family I’m in, it gives me a lot more opportunities that I’ve would have not had if I was still in Russia. I’m ready to take chase those opportunities until I ran pass them and say hello to the new ones.